I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
