I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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