How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
