he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
