My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
