Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
