i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
