it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
