omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
