just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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