Swine flu is the new snow day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
