I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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