hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
