$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
