I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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