The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
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Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.