yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.