I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.