life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
