found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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