She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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