I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
