dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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