FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
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Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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