Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
