my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
