Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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