When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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