she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you had me at cake vodka
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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