You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
