I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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