I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
