Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
