Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
