I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
