I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
