She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
