Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
pop tarts are not kleenex
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
