It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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