thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
