perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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