remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
