It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
