the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
