and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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