1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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