i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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