I wish I only lived at night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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