I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
