Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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