The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
