she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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