I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
