Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
