I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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