my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just pynch a tree in the face
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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