My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
