I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
