it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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