kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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